canny granny

This is a moisturiser. This is what I rub into my hands. It stands on the sink and after I’ve had my egg, toast and vegemite in the morning, I wash the plates and then rub some of this cream on my hands.

This is a floor cleaner. This is what I rub into the floor. Doesn’t look much like the hand cream does it? It stands on the sink ready to give the floor a quick mop after I’ve washed my breakfast plate.

Guess what I did this morning? At least I now have beautifully clean hands with a glossy non-slip shine

The Gastropod thing is getting worse.

Imagine for a second, a common brown garden snail, and now imagine one of those more than 20 centimetres long.

That’s what’s been found on the Gold Coast, not far from one of Queensland’s most popular nature parks, and the discovery of the world’s most destructive land snail has forced quarantine authorities to re-think their inspection procedures. The last Giant African Snail outbreak was at Gordonvale, near Cairns, in far north Queensland in 1977 – hundreds were found and they took eight months to eradicate.

Some people keep them for pets, ugh.

My local Council unveiled their contribution to Australia Day this morning. A new bench in the Park. Pretty pathetic I thought, you can’t help but compare the contributions of our great-grandfathers with their huge lumps of statuary on every corner. The old boys donated dozens of Queen Victoria statues to the community, they had a strong sense of duty in those days despite their awful facial hair.

Still, I know seats are very popular, especially amongst the elderly. Take a look next time you’re outside, you’d be surprised how many people, when they see a seat, will sit on it.

My grandmother used to say ‘A frog brings good luck to the house it enters.’ This is possible, I started thinking about frogs and, lo and behold, a cheque I was waiting for arrived this morning. It worked!

I had better keep this information to myself or the Council Home Help girl will think I’m losing my marbles and jump on the blower to my interfering doctor or, infinitely worse, my interfering grandson. I need a frog charm to ward off them off. Better put a bit of dried leg in a silk bag and tie it round my neck.

This is an old charm of my foremothers, a rough lot who knew heaps about herblore from the Old Country. The frog leg wards off warts, baldness, gout, toothache, constipation, epilepsy and St Vitus Dance. (I think I’ll sit that one out). I’m also told a dried leg has a deleterious effect on vampires, which is always a handy thing to keep up your sleeve.