canny granny

I dragged myself out of bed this morning looking like something just escaped from a Matrix pod.

After 4 days of vegetating in the cot feeling sorry for myself and cursing the injuries sustained in my reckless youth, I had an insatiable hunger for coconuts. Why coconuts? I have no bloody idea.

Coconuts have antiviral, antibacterial, and antifungal properties which is all very well, and I have learned that cravings have a basis in some element missing from my diet, but I have never craved for a bit of coconut before.

I’ve been told that people who eat a lot of coconuts don’t suffer from many of the modern diseases of western nations. Yeah, but maybe they don’t hit the grog like we do. Or binge out on takeaway. Or sit for 3 hours in a traffic jam breathing deeply of carbon monoxide. Or damage themselves in their wilder, younger days like I did.

Where do you get a coconut from anyway? Maybe my subconscious is telling me to get away to some tropical island and laze about on golden sands. Sounds like a better idea than to go searching for coconuts.

I think I know the origins of the savage ban on vegemite to the Olympic competitors from Australia. It’s payback for the Commonwealth Games. Payback for those missing athletes.

You heard about the missing athletes of course. Eleven of them. All went missing from their cozy little cabins in the new Commonwealth Games Athletics Village in Melbourne in March of 2006.

Were these eleven fine young specimens of humankind murdered while they slept and their bodies dragged away to unmarked graves? What happened? A satanic cult? Were they victims of secret government matter-transformer/ transmitter/ transposer experiments?

My money is on Alien Abductions.

People from Sierra Leone are particularly prone to alien abductions. Especially the athletes. Only six years ago 70% of the Sierra Leone team - 21 of the total 30 - vanished during the Manchester Commonwealth Games.

But wait, there’s more — Tanzanian boxer Omari Idd Kimweri, and Bangladeshi 400m runner Mohammad Tawhidul Islam, also vanished overnight from their beds. Perhaps in the dark they were mistaken for Sierra Leone athletes.

Now it’s payback time for Australia,

The Chinese Olympics committee may have banned athletes bringing their own chow into the Olympic village, but the Americans are bringing in tonnes of food, which they will eat at a local university outside the Olympic Park.

Australian athletes are meanwhile suffering from vegemite withdrawal and will in all probability come last in their events.

China says the ban is in place to minimise the risk of illegal substances being used but let’s be serious here …it’s obviously about protecting the concessions and contracts of Olympics vendors.

There is no prize for guessing the name of the food sponsor. It starts with Mc and ends with Donalds.