canny granny

How I discovered Bigfoot

Are you sadly disappointed that the Bigfoot carcass turned out to be a gorilla suit? And a damp, smelly gorilla suit at that.

The whole affair would have just been marvelous fun if Tom Biscardi, the man who has spent years searching for the elusive hominid had not gone completely off his nut about it. Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer claim their hoax was not for profit, but Biscardi says he paid them $50,000. (Half their luck!)

Mr Biscardi, I take this opportunity to announce my discovery of Bigfoot - alive and well and living in Australia. These size 17 feet pictured here belong to Ian Thorpe, swimmer extraordinaire. I can produce the body once I work out a way to get past his security staff. I’ve tried to gain entry in the guise of a gas meter reader but they saw through me. The pizza delivery didn’t do the trick either.

Although he may be a little difficult to nab with my over-sized butterfly net, I can always give it a go. An advance payment from your good self would greatly facilitate a speedy capture.

How about it? Or should I get something onto YouTube first?

On the other hand there is an authentic non-swimming, non-celeb, Bigfoot in Australia .. the Yowie, Sasquatch of the South

Six Words

Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure

Can you describe your life in six words?

Your whole life, what’s gone down before, the good, the bad and the boring, your future hopes and dreams all wrapped up in six little words. Go on. Give it a go. I dare you.

Stumped? There are 800 six-word memoirs in this little book. Some are more like epitaphs and I don’t know about you but I don’t want to think of my own epitaph, thanks very much. It inspired me to ask what others might write for their own.

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You cannae shove your Granny off a bus

Catching a bus is always an interesting experience.

In my long ago student days I used buses as labs, jotting notes for psychology class, observing both the individual reactions and the collective consciousness of passengers. Many a time I tweaked results by traveling with a paper bag on my head, or by practicing juggling with oranges.

You could say I feel comfy. Relaxed and right at home on a bus.

So it came as a shock today when I was bumped off my bus .. two stops before I wanted to get off!

I was standing near to the back door (no one gives up a seat these days, not even for a genial gentlewoman of middle years with a shopping basket) when a young man suddenly leaped to his feet, pulled the cord, and charged toward the exit.

In his rush to disembark, like a sort of human tidal wave, he took me with him.

What’s worse, when I recovered my equilibrium (and my hat) and mildly remonstrated on his brusque behaviour, he told me that he had not seen me!.

I wanted to tell him to wash his mouth out with soap (or preferably with quick drying cement) but hey! I’m a lady. He’s lucky I didn’t make his penis disappear which, as you know, is very common on buses in some parts of the world. You don’t believe me? Take a look at the Penis Theft on Bus

And remember, you cannae shove your granny off a bus.

P.S. For advice about manners on a bus, see Etiquette on Buses

Appalling Lasagna Abuse

Police have arrested a woman for attacking her husband with a lasagna.

Now that’s a terrible thing to do to a lasagna. I’m appalled.

Half the world is starving and yet someone can blithely waste good food in this fashion. (Unless it was a spinach lasagna, in which case it should naturally have been thrown at the cook).

The case of lasagna abuse occurred in Florida, where Amanda Trott was having an argument with her husband.

The police were called and, when they arrived, Trott claimed he had been slapped in the face and then had the meal thrown at him by his wife. After admitting to the attack, Mrs Trott was arrested and charged with domestic battery, while - just to round off an excellent day for him - her husband was also arrested over an unrelated outstanding warrant.

According to a sticky-beak neighbour, the argument was over washing some dishes.

Trott should count himself fortunate, in the gun-toting atmosphere of USA where more than 30,000 people are murdered with fire-arms each year, he got off pretty lightly.

In my experience no husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.