canny granny

You cannae shove your Granny off a bus

Catching a bus is always an interesting experience.

In my long ago student days I used buses as labs, jotting notes for psychology class, observing both the individual reactions and the collective consciousness of passengers. Many a time I tweaked results by traveling with a paper bag on my head, or by practicing juggling with oranges.

You could say I feel comfy. Relaxed and right at home on a bus.

So it came as a shock today when I was bumped off my bus .. two stops before I wanted to get off!

I was standing near to the back door (no one gives up a seat these days, not even for a genial gentlewoman of middle years with a shopping basket) when a young man suddenly leaped to his feet, pulled the cord, and charged toward the exit.

In his rush to disembark, like a sort of human tidal wave, he took me with him.

What’s worse, when I recovered my equilibrium (and my hat) and mildly remonstrated on his brusque behaviour, he told me that he had not seen me!.

I wanted to tell him to wash his mouth out with soap (or preferably with quick drying cement) but hey! I’m a lady. He’s lucky I didn’t make his penis disappear which, as you know, is very common on buses in some parts of the world. You don’t believe me? Take a look at the Penis Theft on Bus

And remember, you cannae shove your granny off a bus.

P.S. For advice about manners on a bus, see Etiquette on Buses

Appalling Lasagna Abuse

Police have arrested a woman for attacking her husband with a lasagna.

Now that’s a terrible thing to do to a lasagna. I’m appalled.

Half the world is starving and yet someone can blithely waste good food in this fashion. (Unless it was a spinach lasagna, in which case it should naturally have been thrown at the cook).

The case of lasagna abuse occurred in Florida, where Amanda Trott was having an argument with her husband.

The police were called and, when they arrived, Trott claimed he had been slapped in the face and then had the meal thrown at him by his wife. After admitting to the attack, Mrs Trott was arrested and charged with domestic battery, while - just to round off an excellent day for him - her husband was also arrested over an unrelated outstanding warrant.

According to a sticky-beak neighbour, the argument was over washing some dishes.

Trott should count himself fortunate, in the gun-toting atmosphere of USA where more than 30,000 people are murdered with fire-arms each year, he got off pretty lightly.

In my experience no husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

You talkin to me?

Police in Eastern Romania were engaged in a routine roadside vehicle check when they pulled over - guess who? Robert de Niro.

However closer scrutiny revealed that the ‘Star’ had forged ID papers.

Flash car, designer suit and sunglasses aside, police say they smelled a rat when the ‘Celebrity’ spoke with a marked Central European accent.

“We guessed that Robert de Niro would not be driving alone around this remote part of the country”, said a police spokesperson. “And he just didn’t sound right.”

It was revealed later that the crook has been providing fake IDs to people from Modolva who want to work in Western Europe. I wonder what their IDs were? Dennis Hopper? Bela Lugosi? Maybe the Modolvans, or Modolvanians (where the heck is Modolva?) don’t get many movies.

If I were to get a false ID of this calibre, it would be my luck to pick up the papers for Phyllis Diller.

An Englishmans home is his prison

Something weird is going on in British prisons.

More than 40 outsiders have been caught inside prisons or trying to enter by scaling walls with ladders. They’re trying to break in! Some of the intruders are total strangers to prison staff and some are released offenders trying to get back inside.

But wait, there’s more. English Ministry of Justice data show that almost 40,000 inmates have opted out of the early-release tagging scheme since it was introduced in 2000, turning down the chance to leave jail up to 18 weeks early. They don’t want to go home.

What’s going on?