canny granny

Down with Droopy Drawers

The Florida Senate wants public school students to pull up their pants.

Several southern U.S. towns and cities have already passed “saggy pants” laws aimed at outlawing what some teenagers consider a fashion statement — wearing pants half way down their buttocks.

Despite being the butt of jokes, the sagging style first appeared among prison inmates as over-sized uniforms were issued without belts to prevent suicide and their use as weapons. The style spread through rappers and music videos, from the ghetto to the suburbs and around the world.

As these indecency laws are pushed through, the real issue is the hip-hop style itself, which critics say is worn as a badge of delinquency, with its distinctive walk conveying thuggish swagger and a disrespect for authority.

Do sagging pants represent an offensive lifestyle which leads to destructive behavior?

Rubbish is in the eye of the Beholder

When you see people searching through rubbish bins you probably have one of two reactions: pity or disgust. Save your reactions. You could be looking at me.

I am a student of Neology, the science of going through what people have thrown out on the street. As a pioneer neologist, I have turned “field walking,” which is an archaeological term for walking over fields in search of ancient pot-shard dumps, into the new art of “city-scrounging” which is searching for hopefully whole pots.

In the old days I would spend hours rummaging around on building sites for a few bricks or bits of copper pipe - and in those days there were no safety fences to keep children out.

Scrap was good business. “Where there’s muck, there’s money”. Collecting old copper tube, bits of lead (not always from church roofs) and even the odd discarded aluminium road sign brought in a few extra coppers. Many a time I had to whack a few people over the shoulders who tried to beat me to a good bit of brass.

Now, with the local government organising ‘hard waste collection days’ I have to sprint to beat the antique dealers and hold them off with my walking stick just to pick up a discarded china dog with a chipped ear.

How times have changed

Take a taxi instead

My Council Home Help girl has been going on and on at me about my excessive use of paper towels. Well, I ask you, what else does a lady of genteel upbringing do when she is a little incontinent from time to time?

But the blasted girl never lets up about me destroying the forests, polluting the atmosphere and sending countless species of cute wild life to extinction. I never complain about that nasty-smelling hippy tobacco she uses, I wish she would get off the subject of my flatulence too.

But I have the answer to her carping. I have discovered a way to save the planet on my own. I will stop walking!

Fortunately I found out that Walking damages the planet. You should immediately follow my lead and stop walking too.

The Dancing Belly

I’ve taken up belly dancing. And now I know it’s actually called Raqs Sharqi. What really impressed me was the flyer pushed through my letter box which clearly explained that …

Many see Raqs Sharqi as a woman’s dance, celebrating the sensuality and power of being a mature woman. A common school of thought believes that young dancers have limited life experience to use as a catalyst for dance. Many popular Egyptian dancers are over forty.

Well that’s me, I thought, I’m over forty and if anybody has Life Experience, it’s me. You wouldn’t believe my extensive experience even if I disclosed some of it here. (Those who don’t want to be named in my autobiography, I’m Easy but Not Cheap, can come to a private financial arrangement. Drop me a line.)

I just hope I’m not suspected of having terrorist tendencies by displaying some interest in Middle Eastern cultural activities. That’s not a joke, all it takes to be locked up these days is giving your old sim card to a mate a couple of years back. I left mine in Co.Fermanagh in 2004 and now I’m waiting to be carted off for having IRA connections.